Siriusly Random
by Captain Black Rum
Summary: Father Christmas stole Sirius's flying motorcycle, Lucius is a traveling salesman, Remus is a hobo, Lockhart works at Dunkin' Donuts, and McDonald's sucks. Hurray!


Author's Notes: This is just a bunch of random Sirius stuff, hence the title. It has no point, and it's not supposed to make sense. I'll update whenever, probably frequently, because this fic doesn't require me to use my brain.

Disclaimer: I own the scooter Sirius was riding on. Also, I own his 'car'.

* * *

Whistling cheerfully, Sirius walked up the front steps of his house and opened the door. He paused, hearing water running, and assumed he'd forgotten to turn the sink off again. So, he headed to the kitchen.

What he saw made him stop in his tracks.

"Deck the halls with boughs of holly! Tra la la la la, la la la la!" sang a jolly fat man with a long white beard and a red suit, washing the dishes in Sirius's sink. Three midgets were sitting on the floor, playing poker.

"Who are you?" Sirius demanded.

"Ho ho ho! I'm Father Christmas, my dear boy!" the fat man answered cheerily.

"Father Christmas doesn't exist!" Sirius protested.

"Just believe, and he will," the man replied sagely. The midgets nodded, puffing on their cigars.

Sirius narrowed his eyes. "Get out of my house, you #&$! hobo!"

'Father Christmas' walked out the door, muttering to himself. The midgets followed. "That's it, Ricardo," he said to one of the midgets. "Put him on the naughty list. ...Oh, and we're taking that flying motorcycle. That'll teach him."

* * *

Sirius Black loved donuts. It was a well-known fact, and it was the reason the local Dunkin' Donuts stayed in business. Every week he'd head out to get himself another six boxes. Apparently, the hobo who broke into his house loved donuts too, because only a day after buying them, they were all gone. So, Sirius headed to Dunkin' Donuts once again, grumbling to himself.

Once there, he glanced at the several types of donuts and told Gilderoy Lockhart, who happened to be the clerk, his order.

"Okay, I'd like four chocolates..." Lockhart reached for the chocolate donuts, but Sirius changed his mind.

"No! Wait! Two chocolates!" He watched Lockhart take only two of the donuts and put them in the box.

"All right, now one vanilla." Just as Lockhart was about to get the donut, Sirius stopped him. "No, I changed my mind. Get me two vanilla, with sprinkles."

"Yes, sir," Lockhart answered, doing as he requested.

"Okay, okay, good so far," Sirius muttered to himself nervously. Ordering donuts was always an ordeal. "How about...a cream one? Yes. One chocolate cream."

Lockhart was just about to put the cream donut in the box, when Sirius stopped him. "No! Nevermind! Get me a strawberry frosted one." He waited while Lockhart put the cream donut back amongst the others.

"Wait a minute! What are you doing?! Why did you just put that one back?" he exclaimed.

"Well, why not, sir?"

"Why not? Why _not_?! You _touched _it! And it touched my other donuts, getting icing and stuff smeared all over it! Are all these other donuts contaminated, too?!" he demanded.

"I...I don't know, but I don't think--"

"You know what?! I'm fed up with you! Always getting the wrong donuts, and contaminating them with your disgusting, nasty hands!"

Sirius picked up the box of donuts and threw them in Lockhart's face, then leapt over the counter and tackled him to the floor.

It was then that the police arrived. They dragged Sirius away while Lockhart was taken into the ambulance. "I HATE YOU ALL!" Sirius shouted. "NEXT TIME I'M GETTING ENTEMANS DONUTS!"

* * *

Sirius was speeding down the highway on a rusty old scooter. He would've taken his motorcycle, but a fat hobo and three midgets had stolen it.

"HEY! HEY YOU!" Lucius Malfoy the traveling salesman shouted, running to keep up. "YOU WANT TO BUY A VACUUM CLEANER?"

"WHAT?" Sirius shouted back, not slowing at all.

"I SAID, DO YOU WANT TO BUY A VACUUM CLEANER?"

"DO I WANT TO SPY ON RITA SKEETER?"

"NO! DO YOU WANT A VACUUM?"

"WHY WOULD I WANT A MUSHROOM?"

Lucius sighed. "NEVERMIND!" he yelled.

"NO, YOU GET OUT OF _MY_ HOUSE!" Sirius yelled back angrily.

Suddenly, the front wheel of the scooter broke off, and he went flying over the handlebars, landing in a dumpster. Remus popped up out of a nearby pile of trash and waved.

"Hullo, Sirius."

"Remus? What are you doing here?"

Remus sighed sadly. "No one wants a werewolf working for them, so I became a hobo. It was either that or working for Dunkin' Donuts." He shuddered. "You wouldn't believe the crazy sort they get there."

"Er...yes," Sirius said nervously. "Complete bunch of nutters, those people." He stood up hastily. "Well, I have to go."

"Where are you headed?" Remus asked curiously.

"I was just about to buy a new vacuum," Sirius answered, strolling off. "See you. Have fun being a hobo."

* * *

Sirius read the letter again, scratching his head in a puzzled sort of way.

_Dear Sirius,_

_sad face_

_Your friend,_

_Remus_

He stared at it for a moment, then put it in the pile with all the others.

* * *

"Vrooooooom!" Sirius said, driving his car, which was actually a cardboard box, into the parking space at McDonald's. "Vrooooom!" he continued, walking into the restaurant. People gave him odd looks, but he didn't seem to notice. He liked saying 'vroom'.

"Hello, sir. May I take your order?" the short, dark-haired girl behind the register asked politely.

"Yes, I'd like a large diet Coke--" Sirius began, but she interrupted him.

"Noooooo! Nooooo!" the girl exclaimed, waving her arms around.

"What?" Sirius asked, confused.

"We're out of diet Coke," she told him.

"Oh." He paused. "Then I'll have a large Pepsi--"

"Noooooo!"

"Mountain Dew?"

"Noooooooo!"

"Ginger Ale?"

"Noooooo!"

"What about...orange juice? Do you at least have orange juice?"

"Noooooooo!"

Sirius stared at her. "What _do _you have, then?"

The girl's eye twitched. "NOTHING! WE HAVE NOTHING! STAY AWAY FROM ME, YOU ANGRY BEAVERS!" And she ran screaming from the restaurant.

Sirius turned to the readers. "And this, dear readers, is why Burger King is better than McDonald's."

He strode out the door and to his parking spot, then let out a scream that could be heard by anyone within ten miles... "THE #&$! HOBO STOLE MY CAR!"

* * *

The computer won't let me put in sad faces. Review and Sirius will give you a pixie stick or candy of your choice!


End file.
